Break My Heart or Heal It
by The Bloody Countess
Summary: All she needs are the words...he has to say them before she takes the downward spiral into oblivion...


BREAK MY HEART OR HEAL IT  
  
  
  
Disclaimers: Don't own GWing. Never will...Damn!   
  
Notes: Sudden angst fic. Written during one of those moments wherein I'm just staring at the monitor and sudden inspiration hits me. And it's well into the night, approaching the witching hour.   
  
Dedicated to: Ekai. Because she wants WAFF and I'm trying my best to deliver WAFF. Hey c'mon! This IS WAFF in the end, I promise! Ow! Don't hurt me! OW! OW! OW!  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
It was always like this. He had her body but never stayed the night with her. Before dawn broke across the sky, he'd be gone, the swaying curtains and the open doors leading to the balcony the only signs that he had paid her visit.  
  
  
Before long, she just accepted him into her robotically, allowing him liberties with her body, allowing him to scar her pure flesh and to taint her. She went through the motions mechanically now, offering herself to sheath him and allowing him to spend a few moments of ecstasy buried deep within her before he'd leave again.  
  
  
And everyday, she'd wake up, the ache in her heart growing bigger. Everyday, she just felt the emptiness eat at her.  
  
  
Everybody noticed how tired and withdrawn she was. Everybody noticed the sudden weight loss. She looked gaunt now, nearing anorexia. She tried her best to hide it though by dressing in cheerful colors of soft pastel shades as she went about her work. She used an entire bottle of foundation to conceal the shadows under her eyes. She tried her best to keep a cheerful note in her voice, always telling them that they need not worry about her.   
  
  
But who was she trying to convince anyway?   
  
  
As Relena Peacecraft sat in front of her vanity that morning, looking at her reflection, she knew she was just sinking slowly into oblivion.   
  
  
Her hair was no longer as vibrant as before, no longer gleaming gold in the sun. It hung down to her back in limp strands, plastered to her head. Her eyes had dulled, no longer sparkling with determination. Because of her sudden loss in appetite, her cheekbones had become more prominent, emphasizing the shadows under her eyes. He mouth was always drawn and tired, no longer rosy and healthy, but grey and chapped.   
  
  
Through the white spaghetti-strapped nightgown she wore, her collarbone was showing, making her throat look more hollow. She had gotten so drastically thin that everyone had taken to trying to shovel food down her mouth.  
  
  
"He left again..." She whispered, barely noticing the tear that had traced a path down her cheek, collecting on her chin before finally falling with a soft plink on her table.  
  
  
Not once, during his nocturnal visits, did he ever tell her how he felt about her. Oh she tried, she valiantly tried to start a conversation with him, tried to get him to open up to her. But he always dodged around conversation and would again use her.  
  
  
How she wished...  
  
  
Relena shook her head and slowly got up, crossing the room to the bathroom. 'I can never hope for that anymore...'  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
"Ma'am, Senator Rogers' secretary just faxed the proposal on the allotment of a budget for renovating all damaged MRF's."  
  
  
Relena reached out to press the button to activate the intercom. "Thank you, Jenny. Please send up a copy to my office."  
  
  
Minutes later, her secretary came up bringing a manila folder along with a container of Chinese food. At her raised eyebrow, Jenny smiled.   
  
  
"Preventer Chang Wufei dropped by and told me to force-feed you with lo mein. His exact words were, 'Get that woman to eat or she'll be the death of all of us.' I told him you'd readily give him a week's vacation were he on your staff," the brunette replied, placing the container in front of Relena.  
  
  
The Vice Foreign Minister's features lit up momentarily and she smiled kindly at her secretary. "Tell him I'm very touched."  
  
  
"Of course...But Preventer Chang isn't the only one worried about you, ma'am. The entire staff is also worried...myself included."  
  
  
The twenty-one-year-old felt a sudden lump in her throat but held the tears at bay, hoping her secretary wouldn't notice. "Thank you...for the concern, Jenny. I truly appreciate it."  
  
  
Her young secretary smiled and nodded her understanding. Just before she headed out the door, she paused and looked back at Relena. "Whoever he is ma'am, he had better come to the realization that he's the world's biggest asshole for putting you through all of this."   
  
  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
"You are the world's biggest asshole for doing this to her!" Duo Maxwell fumed, his glare rivaling that of the man's on the video screen.  
  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about," Heero Yuy retorted sharply.  
  
  
"Oh go fuck a poodle, Yuy!" The American growled. "You're lower than scum for doing this to Relena. She deserves better than the likes of you. She could be fucking happy with any other guy sensitive enough to treasure her feelings and you have to go stomp on them and be the pompous dick you are!  
  
  
Prussian blue eyes narrowed. "Don't push it, Maxwell."  
  
  
But an angry Duo Maxwell would never shut up unless he got his point across. He had to knock some sense into the Japanese pilot before he did any more damage to the girl who worked tirelessly to maintain peace and who had a special place in their hearts.  
  
  
"Why don't you take a closer look at her and see what you've done, Heero! She's dying inside and you're just using her as a toy for your fucking dick to play with! Spare Relena the hurt and go screw yourself if you care for her even just an atom!"  
  
  
With that, Duo cut off the transmission and attacked the files on his desk, muttering a healthy string of curses under his breath all the while.  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Heero Yuy was about to answer back when Duo had abruptly cut off the transmission. He was shocked that the braided baka had found out where he was and even more shocked when Duo had cursed him to hell as a greeting.   
  
  
He tried to keep his expression neutral when Relena was mentioned, but a feeling of guilt crept in, twisting his heart painfully until he had to grip the armrests of his chair to keep from throwing his laptop out the window.  
  
  
Ever since he had joined the Preventers as a secret member, he had been trying to find his humanity, dealing with all sorts of new feelings that sometimes made him unsure, made him hesitate.  
  
  
Most of them he felt around Relena...  
  
  
He got up from his desk to pace the sparse room, running a hand through his unruly brown hair as he continued to think over what he had done.  
  
  
'She's dying inside...' Those words kept echoing in the back of his mind and got louder and louder as he continued to pace. The sight of the newspaper on his bed made him stop and Heero picked it up. Though he didn't want to admit it, he had bought that particular newspaper because of Relena's picture on the front page.  
  
  
Every other newspaper he had ever purchased all had Relena on the front page. It was like his secret obsession...something always tugged at him when he saw Relena, when he heard her voice, when someone would mention her name. And when he couldn't take it anymore, he broke into her room one night and took her.  
  
  
After that, he couldn't get enough of her...  
  
  
Heero shook his head to get rid of those particular thoughts, bringing back his attention to the newspaper. For the first time he read the headline above the picture, his eyes widening slightly at what it screamed...  
  
  
VICE FOREIGN MINISTER BATTLES SECRET ILLNESS  
  
  
Peering at Relena closely, he suddenly noticed how thin she had become, a touch paler than the last time. Before, she rarely wore make-up except to formal functions. But now he could see that she was concealing her condition from everyone...Her eyes no longer sparkled the way they used to. Her smile seemed forced, not reaching her eyes anymore...  
  
  
Right there and then, Heero suddenly wanted to shoot himself. His body tensed over as he read the article, fighting the urge to smash his fist into something hard as he read the article.  
  
  
"...with attempts to conceal her sudden weight loss, the Vice Foreign Minister continues to wage a secret battle with anorexia. Friends have already expressed their concern on the matter, saying that they are doing all they can to restore her health. Is the responsibility she has been given already too much to take? The people must not always depend on this young woman who is barely an adult. If everything continues to weigh her down, we will eventually lose her..."  
  
  
'She's dying inside, Heero...'  
  
  
Heero didn't read the rest any longer. Closing his eyes, he lay back on his bed, thinking back to the war when he had first met her down to when he had made it his mission to fight for her dreams, making it his mission to protect her, secretly watching over her even after the last attempt at war had been stopped.  
  
  
But now...  
  
  
"What have I done to you...?"  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
That night he came to see her again. But she would not let him have his way with her anymore. So he stood on one side of the room, watching her as she backed away from him.  
  
  
"Enough Heero. I can't take it anymore," she said, finally letting the tears flow. "I can't play the fucking martyr just so I can give you sexual gratification."  
  
  
Despite how thin she looked, she was still beautiful, still the angel he had vowed to protect. But looking at her now, Heero knew he had only succeeded in making her take the downward spiral. And he knew that he was the coward, not her.  
  
  
"I've tried to understand. I've tried so hard to understand," Relena went on, waving a thin hand in the air in a helpless gesture, green-blue eyes moist with tears she tried not to shed. "But you couldn't care less about how I feel, Heero. To you, I'm nothing more than someone you can fuck when you need release...  
  
  
"I wanted so much to help you, but all you ever did was run away. Even now you still run...and I..." She stopped again, choking back a sob as more tears spilled out the corners of her eyes and down her cheeks.   
  
  
Heero stayed rooted to the spot, his feet unwilling to move, his mouth unwilling to open as Relena continued to cry.  
  
  
"I can't take this anymore, Heero. You obviously don't care for me...I willingly gave myself to you but you never saw that, did you? That I loved you...  
  
  
"I still love you, Heero. But after what you've done to me, it all has to stop..." Relena stood up, walking farther away from him and sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to get away from him, trying not to surrender to the strength of his arms or the scent of his skin. "Because if it won't, I'll eventually die of heartbreak."   
  
  
Heero remained quiet, letting her words sink in. He knew he had loved her a long time ago, but he could never bring himself to say it. He was afraid, he didn't want to show weakness...but because of what he did to Relena, he knew HE had been the weaker one. He had destroyed her and she still continued to fight back despite that.  
  
  
How was it that he could never say the words that really mattered? Three little words, and she'd be his forever. Three little words and he'd never lose her while he lived.  
  
  
"I..."  
  
  
Relena held up a hand to stop whatever he was about to say, shaking her head. "Please, Heero. No more...I can't take any more...You played me for the fool, Heero...I hope you enjoyed your game..."  
  
  
She had to listen...she just HAD to. Desperately, he crossed the room and reached for her trembling hands, bringing them to his lips and surprising her as he continued to grasp her hands before kneeling at her feet and laying his head in her lap.   
  
  
"I was the fool," he said, finally finding his voice though it sounded strangely hoarse. "Because I was selfish and I refused to see that I was hurting you..."  
  
  
He was not aware that he was crying, but Relena could feel the warm wetness of his tears blot her nightgown. She froze, tensing up as Heero continued to cry silently, letting out all of his anguish and frustration through his tears.   
  
  
"I ran away from you because you made me feel...you jeopardized my missions...you were slowly turning me into a human being..." Here, he looked up at her, wanting to see her face, aching to see her eyes.  
  
  
"I hated you for doing that to me, Relena. I hated you because it was so easy for you to make me hesitate...and I fell in love with you because you showed concern for me and because you didn't have to lie or pretend to be someone else around me.  
  
  
"And I didn't want to harm you, so I made up my mind to protect you with all that I could...but in the end, it was me who hurt you...I could never deserve you, Relena. You've always been so strong and I've always been so weak. You terrified me once I realized that I loved you, so I tried to break you...  
  
  
"But because I'm finding my humanity, I'm finding that I can feel regret, pain, anger, and even love..." Before he could continue, Relena had gently extricated her hands from his grasp, twining her arms around his neck.  
  
  
"All I ever needed from you, Heero, was a sign that you cared. All I ever needed was for you to tell me that you actually loved me," she whispered, running a hand through his hair. "But I didn't want to fool myself and build romantic notions about you, though I continued to hope..."  
  
  
She stopped when she heard him mumble something. Leaning closer, she realized he was repeating a phrase in Japanese...something she couldn't understand, though it was eliciting strange flutterings in her heart.  
  
  
"Heero?"  
  
  
"Aishiteru, Relena...Anata wa daisuki...daisuki..."  
  
  
He stood up and cupped her face in his hands, his eyes no longer of ice, but full of emotion. Her breath caught when he suddenly smiled, lifting the heaviness in her heart. "I love you, Relena. I love you so much it hurts."   
  
  
And he kissed her to prove that he truly did.  
  
  
  
*******  
  
  
  
7 MONTHS LATER...  
  
  
"Do you, Heero Yuy, take Relena Peacecraft to be your lawfully-wedded wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part?"  
  
  
Heero nodded, turning to smile at his bride. "I do. With all my heart, I do."  
  
  
"Do you, Relena Peacecraft, take Heero Yuy to be your lawfully-wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part?"  
  
  
"I do. With all my soul...for now and forever..."  
  
  
The rings were fitted, and the priest gave them his final blessing. "By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."  
  
  
Heero lifted the veil, staring down into the eyes that had showed him hope from the first day he saw them. "Forever," he whispered, leaning in.  
  
  
She smiled and met him halfway. "Forever," she whispered back before finally meeting his lips in a sweet kiss that had the entire congregation erupt in loud cheers.  
  
  
  
***THE END*** 


End file.
